I HATE Your Dry Ass Cornbread. There, I Said It!
I'm a mindful person.
That might sound like a humble brag but really, it's a matter of fact. One that I don't have an issue sharing with the world because it took me a long while to reach this mental space. Everyone deserves respect, we have to meet people where they are, and woman have agency over their bodies. Full stop. I don't feel the need to fight anyone to prove how much of a man I am. I don't judge people based on their sexual orientation, socio-economic status, or political affiliation.
In fact, I don't have beef with anyone for any reason because: a) I don't like to dedicate my energy to those pursuits and b) Karma.
I may talk trash about graduates of North Carolina A&T from time to time (WTF is an “Aggie” anyway?) and I, along with the rest of the world outside of the Bronx, enjoy kicking the Yankees while they’re down. But even still, for me, all this is done in jest.
There is one exception. One group of people who I don’t mind giving the business and I don’t care if their feelings get hurt. They should have thought about that before they came on Michelle Obama’s internet with that weak culinary execution. If the title of this post didn’t give it away, let me spell it out for you: I can’t stand people who make dry ass cornbread and post their dry ass cornbread photos on the internet like they doing something. My disdain for these people even supersedes my vitriol for those who think adding the French cognac Hennessy to foods is a good idea.
Wait, wait! Let me be clear: I don't hate people who love Henny. I just hate to see muhfuggas adding Hennessy to shit that don’t need it. Which, in my opinion, is anything other than a red Solo cup.
Beige Label Henny (BLH), which is my own nickname for the regular Hennessy you can find in any liquor that services more than 5 Black people a week, is the Mid-grade weed of *cognac. And I think that our community's collective love for the spirit is misguided. Understandable, given the company’s well established history of supporting Black Americans for the last 100 years but still, it’s too much. Especially when Jay Z is out here with the much superior D'USSÉ. But regardless, I have no lingering animosity towards this population of people.
I don't even take issue with White people who unnecessarily add raisins to their potato salad. I mean, like the Henny crowd, I don't understand the fuss but to each his or her own.
BUT YOU PEOPLE (YEAH, I SAID "YOU PEOPLE!") WITH THESE DRY ASS CORNBREADS! STOP PUTTING THAT SHIT ON THE INTERNET, YOU MAKING THE REST OF US LOOK BAD!
Not only is it not a good look for the culture, it looks like it doesn't taste good. JUST NASTY! You can't maple syrup your way out of that crumbly pile of sawdust you trying to pass off as cornbread.
Cornbread is the glue of a Soul Food dish. It binds together the meats with the veggies, the sweet tea and the (RAISIN-LESS) potato salad. It's the bow that ties everything together. Yeah, you can eat a meal without but it’s a much better experience when you have a good, moist, thick slice.
Hmmmm…what’s something else in life that, like Soul Food, is really good but even better with the right addition? I know! The 1996 Chicago Bulls! So, if Soul Food is the 1996 Chicago Bulls than cornbread is the Scottie Pippen of Soul Food. It may never be the star of the show (I mean, have you ever seen a restaurant that sells nothing but cornbread?) but when you get a good buttery chunk next to your lima beans and fried chicken, you can win 6 NBA championships.
I repeat: Cornbread is NOT Michael Jordan. That honor would go to the fried chicken, fried fish, or even a perfectly executed side of (RAISIN-LESS) potato salad. But the right slice of cornbread gives you potent offense weapon that dunks on your tastebuds. Not unlike how Scottie did Patrick Ewing.
Cornbread is important. It matters. And I'm so tired of y'all passing of cornbread flavored bricks as culinary works of art. If you read this and your feelings are hurt it's because you know that you are one of those people and I don't care if you’re mad. BE MAD. I'm mad at you for making DRY ASS CORNBREAD and for having the audacity to post that calamity on Instagram. So consider us even.
/
KJ
*Full disclosure, the folks at Hennessy gifted me a box with three of their expressions: BLH, Privilege, and XO. BLH is fine, whatever. The Privilege was kinda spicy on the tongue but better than the BLH. But that damn XO?! HOLY SHITE that’s some good cognac! I see why people pay a buck fifty for that bottle. It’s certainly worth it!
